Monday, July 23, 2007

Miss Information is annoyed by romance

The library in summer is the last place Miss Information expected to find the significant other who has been eluding her all this time, being that the library in summer is filled numerous artistic displays of back hair, black socks with sandals, and guys who can’t tell the difference between an undershirt and a tank top—amazingly they aren’t interchangeable.

But, you know, there is no accounting for taste. The frantic map woman from a few entries ago has fallen madly in love with Miss Information. Well, they do say opposites attract and Frantic Map Woman is obviously drawn to Miss Information because she is: not frantic, not that interested in maps and you know, sane.

Frantic Map Woman first displayed her devotion when she gave Miss Information a new pen (“with great love”) to replace one that Frantic Map Woman had lost. It was a nice gesture. It would have been nicer if Frantic Map Woman hadn’t turned around and borrowed the pen again. But, whatever.

A couple of days later, Frantic needed paper, which Miss Information provided. There was no “great love” involved in this exchange. Miss Information doesn’t give it up that easily. Later, Frantic expressed her gratitude for a staple by enfolding Miss Information in a passionate embrace. Luckily Frantic is one of the customers who does know what soap is.

The strangest sign of Frantic Map Woman’s devotion came towards the end of last week. Miss Information was working on some looseleaf filing at a study table. She looked up to find Frantic Map Woman gazing lovingly at her.

“Let me help you with your filing,” she begged.

Miss Information, who can’t even get the staff members who are assigned filing duties to do it, declined but Frantic Map Woman decided this was an area of common interest and proceeded to share her vast knowledge of filing systems.

Poor Frantic Map Woman. She is unaware that an obsessive interest in looseleaf filing is not a quality that Miss Information looks for in prospective mates. But she is torn. Those looseleaf pages aren't going to file themselves. How badly does this woman want to be friends?

Besides, Frantic Map Woman probably doesn't have back hair so that's one point in her favour.

Saturday, July 14, 2007

Miss Information is annoyed by random violence

Today the big, plushy library mascot made a visit to a nearby community fair where it was pelted with rocks and balls by a group of unruly children. Miss Information was not surprised. In fact, when the library announced its big plushy library mascot plans a couple of months ago she knew it was only a matter of time before the words "big, plushy library mascot", "pelted with" and "rocks" showed up in a blog entry. The balls were unexpected, though.

The costume is big and plushy so the staff member inside escaped unharmed. Unfortunately the big, plushy nature of the costume made self defense impossible. Besides it's against the big, plushy library mascot code to just start whacking kids upside the head with Roberts Rules of Order when they get out of line. There was another staff member assigned to big, plushy bodyguard duty but her license to kill had expired.

Later in the day, Miss Information found herself explaining to an extremely pregnant woman that the Harry Potter movies are, in fact, not documentaries.

Someone should save time and give that kid a rock as soon as it's born.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Miss Information is annoyed by Sybil

It's the end of the day and it's busy because it's summer.

Miss Information: There are no word processing computers until 5:25. That only gives you 30 minutes to make your resume.
Woman: It's ok. I can make a resume in 30 minutes.
Miss Information: It's a pretty long wait. Are you sure?
Woman: Yes. Make the appointment.
Miss Information: Ok you have computer 531 at 5:25
Woman: I have to wait? I can't wait.
Miss Information: Well, you came at a bad time. We're closing at 6 so there isn't much time left.
Woman: I can't make a resume in 30 minutes. I need longer.

Miss Information finds her work with the insane so very rewarding.

Friday, July 06, 2007

Miss Information is annoyed by, well, everyone, actually.

Miss Information is tired. It is the end of a long week and that Manhunt game sure saps a person’s energy. Today it is all computer problems and annoying people, often simultaneously. Also, many of the people are wearing ugly, ugly clothes. How could anyone be helpful under these circumstances?

Miss Information is in the middle of a conversation with customer. Her outfit isn’t making Miss Information nauseous so she is being relatively helpful. She is in the middle of a sentence about which computers can be used to open attachments when another customer comes frantically to the desk. (The frantic woman’s clothing is also fine.)

Miss Information (to woman 1): …could try on one of those computers….
Frantic woman: I need….
Miss Information: Just let me finish serving this other woman. Those computers….
Frantic woman: No, I need…
Miss Information: I’ll be with you in a second. One of the word processing….
Frantic woman: But, I need….
Miss Information: Hold your damn horses. This other customer got here first, I’ll get to you in a minute.
Frantic woman: I need a map! I need a map!

A map? She needs a map? All this angst for a map? Why is a map that damn urgent? Is something on fire? If so, the fire department is just up the street and they probably have GPS.
Whatever. Miss Information finishes veeeerrrrrry slowly with the first woman before locating a map for the second woman. Nobody dies. Well, Miss Information’s spirit is circling the drain but that’s normal for summer.

Thursday, July 05, 2007

Miss Information is annoyed by the predator/prey relationship

The game Manhunt has proven to be more complex than Miss Information had originally thought.

First there’s the hiding aspect. Preferred hiding places are behind stacks, in dark corners and under study carrels—in use study carrels. It doesn’t matter that you are disrupting the person using the carrel—Manhunt takes precedence.

Then there’s the running. The playing field includes the entire library. Nowhere is off-limits so just go nuts. You must always run at top speed so the pesky library staff can’t catch you. Also running works best as a group activity so find someone to chase. For more fun—get someone to chase you. If you can run and squeal at the same time that’s even better. You are well on your way to becoming a legend in the sport.

Then there’s the “lying in wait” element of the game. Miss Information had initially failed to recognize the strategic importance of this part of Manhunt. This is where knowledge of your opponent really pays off. The library has 4 floors and an elevator. If you see your opponent getting on the elevator, this is your signal to race up the stairs, pick a floor, lurk about and wait for the elevator doors to open. When those doors open it is your cue to lunge at the people inside, make a scary face and screech. You are the winner. Or something. On rare occasions, your opponent might have outwitted you by getting off at a different floor. The elevator may only contain strangers, often families of new immigrants or elderly people with heart problems. It doesn’t matter. Scream and holler all you want at the strangers. It’s summer. Manhunt is the only thing that matters.

Well, there is another thing that matters. It is that the elevator is conveniently located like 3 feet from the reference desk where Miss Information spends the best damn years of her life. This puts her in an optimal position to put an end to your stupid Manhunt game. In the words of Armen Tamzarian: up yours, children.

Miss Information: 2
Boys: 0

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Miss Information is annoyed by the boys of summer

It’s summer. When she was a girl, Miss Information loved summer. The days seemed endless. Now that she’s grown up and working at the library she associates summer with chaos, mayhem and screaming babies. The days still seem endless, though. Miss Information is trying not to complain because it is a thousand times worse in the children’s department. The adult department mostly just gets the run-off children.

Speaking of the run-off children, there goes one now. A boy of about 8 sprints past the reference desk. Then another. Then a third. Miss Information begins to suspect that something is going on. She goes after them and tracks them down—some of them are running; others are crawling under study tables. She reminds them that running is really more of an outdoorsy thing while the library is more of an indoorsy thing. They barely glance up as they tear past her.

Too bad for them another staff member is lying in wait. She wants to know why they are playing Hide and Seek in the library. They deny that they are doing any such thing. Hide and Seek is for losers. They’re playing Manhunt. Since those details aren’t really important the boys are escorted out.

Miss Information has a brief moment of sadness. Manhunt sounds like such fun and they didn’t even ask her to play. She’d be really good at it too. After all, she did manage to hunt them down. At least for tonight she decides she is Manhunt champion.

The score for today is:
Miss Information: 1
Boys: 0