Thursday, March 31, 2005

Miss Information is annoyed by crime victims

Miss Information hates to tell you this, but you are presently in a busy urban library, located in what can only be described as a high crime area. Ok, the local heroin gangs have declared a temporary cease fire, but the drug users you had to step over to come into the building should have been an indication that this is not Mr Roger's neighbourhood. You therefore have to take some responsibility for leaving your wallet unattended so it could be stolen by one of the less law abiding library users. She doesn’t think that your explanation that you were "using the Internet" is a good one. In fact she's just going to wait for you to "use the Internet" again so she can steal all of your remaining valuables.


Saturday, March 26, 2005

Miss Information is annoyed by a librarian

Well, of course she is. She is at work after all. This particular librarian is a special guest librarian from another branch. Miss Information hates them. They keep asking her questions. Where are the pens? How does the phone work? Is that supposed to be on fire?

And they do things so much better at their home branch...

Anyway this librarian was lying in wait for Miss Information to come back from lunch. A particular issue of a magazine was supposed to be on shelf, but wasn't. Could Miss Information please find it for her?

Ummmmmm...well, you got a few days for her to go shelf by shelf through every book and magazine in the building?

Apparently things are never misfiled in her usual library.

Thursday, March 17, 2005

Miss Information and a sign of insanity

A poster advertising a social club has recently appeared in Miss Information's gym. In large bold letters it announces that the club is "a new alternative to meeting great people through salsa dancing".

Every time she sees it, the little evil voice in her head translates this into "you know all those great people you can meet dancing? Well, we're not them. We're jerks and we can't dance. Come. Join us. Don't be afraid."

Miss Information can't tell you how many hours of amusement this has provided.

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Miss Information survives a job interview

Before her next job interview Miss Information needs:
1. A new interview outfit. Maybe something that actually fits and isn't covered with cat hair.

2. The ability to make small talk with any trace of sincerity. See the problem is, Miss Information doesn't really care how you are or whether it's "hot enough for ya?" These things don't really have anything to do with her and has no interest in them. But she isn't completely insensitive. She wishes you all nothing but good health and happiness...because if anything goes wrong in your life, you're going to clutter up her brain with the details. She hates that.

3. Black trouser socks. Honestly, black pants and black shoes require black socks. How is it that Miss Information only has gray socks? She doesn't have any gray shoes. Not that the interviewers were looking at her feet--the tragic condition of her hair was plenty distracting. That and the nonsensical babbling.

4. To remember--her hair is completely unmanagable the day she washes it. For any kind of orderliness to occur, she has to have washed it at least 36 hours prior to the "important event".

5. Make up that vaguely resembles her actual skin tone. That'd be sweet.

6. Additional brain cells.

7. A supply of facial tissue. Her nose always runs during interviews and it is best to have genuine tissue. Amazingly Miss Information actually remembered the nose thing this time, but had no actual tissue in her car
and so was forced to wipe her nose on toilet paper during the interview. She wadded it up...maybe they didn't recognize it's humble origins.

8. A handbag that is small and professional looking, but which would also permit her to discretely carry all 3000 of those little "things" she can't possibly leave at home. You know, there are a thousand good reasons to carry a box of green tea at all times. And just try to get through the day without a can opener. Anyway, a bag like that might involve some sort of tampering with the natural laws of physics, causing the earth to spin out of its orbit and crash into the sun but it's a risk Miss Information is willing to take.

On the whole, though, the interview went well--meaning that Miss Information doesn't have a chance of getting the job, but she didn't embarrass herself to the extent she did last time -- when she notoriously made fun of one of the questions. Surprisingly they gave that job to someone else.

Friday, March 11, 2005

Miss Information has an opportunity

Miss Information has a job interview on Monday. For a technical services job. You know, a job away from the public. A job with normal hours. The kind of job she's been dreaming about for years...

And yet she's not sure she wants it--because she's an idiot. She just doesn't handle change very well.

Also, job interviews--not really her best thing. She tends to show up at the interview pretty much the way she is in real life, although dressed better and with her hair combed. She makes lame ass jokes, she babbles a bit, she laughs at questions she's supposed to take seriously...but then, if she ever does get a new job (ha!) they wouldn't be surprised by her actual persona. She is an absolutely competent employee who would be a tremendous asset in any position--but she does tend to make bad jokes, babble and laugh at inappropriate moments. It's all part of the rich tapestry that is Miss Information.

What Miss Information Thought About in Corpse Pose
Speaking of laughing at inappropriate times, Miss Information had a fit of hysteria during corpse pose recently. The lovely and talented Yoga Boy was urging the class to relax and not worry about the little things--which he then proceeded to list: Don't worry about the stresses at work, don't worry about your family issues, don't worry about the bad drivers on the highway, don't worry about gas prices....and on and on. By the time he got to: don't worry about the line up at the bank and the funny noise your toaster is making, Miss Information lost it. She did try not to laugh audibly, though.

What the hell kind of yoga school did he get his training from?

Thursday, March 03, 2005

Miss Information has a frustrating conversation. Repeatedly.

Miss Information sometimes thinks back fondly to the days before Internet access. Well, sure things were inconvenient. Research was harder, you couldn’t look at celebrity mug shots on The Smoking Gun, you actually had to own cookbooks and radios, it was harder to meet people who share the same fetishes, you couldn’t go online and vent about your annoying job…yep, life sort of sucked. On the other hand, she is tired of people who believe that having opposable thumbs means they can (or should) use a computer.

She has the following conversation several times a day:

Customer: Internet? (Oh, yeah, another bad thing about the Internet is that people no longer speak in complete sentences.)
Miss Information: Ok, do you need to use e-mail?
Customer: Yeah, need Internet.
Miss Information: All right, but some computers are filtered and won’t let you use e-mail. Do you need e-mail, today?
Customer: Wanna look at website.
Miss Information: (quickly becoming suicidal) Ummmmm…an e-mail website?
Customer: Internet.

…and the fun begins again.

Is it too much to ask that people just answer the damn question?