Saturday, January 28, 2006

Miss Information is mean-spirited about a well-intentioned library promotion

What a total bitch that woman is. Where is her corporate spirit anyway?

Having survived her birthday day off with out too much trauma, Miss Information returned to work this morning all shiny and enthusiastic. No, not really, but she was feeling less cynical than usual. Of course this all came to a crashing halt when the Guy-in-Charge handed her a promotional button. Oh, yeah, this can't be good. The button, which all staff members are encouraged to wear announces the wearers' responsibility for the ongoing enlightenment of the city's population. Oh, no. You are so not going to pin that (so to speak) on Miss Information.

She took the button and wore it proudly all day. First, obviously, she adapted it to assert her responsibility only for the continued reading of Internet fan fiction, instant messages and pornography. All of which are indeed enlightening on some level and which are definitely taking place at the library.

Other than the wearing of the button, Miss Information is uncertain what she is actually supposed to do to make this "enlightenment" occur. There is a website about the campaign that probably explains it all in great detail, and which Miss Information would read--if only the website could be displayed on the library computers. It can't. Something on the site triggers the library filtering software.

Enlightenment is so hard to come by sometimes.

Friday, January 20, 2006

Miss Information becomes annoyed and has a big stupid meltdown

Miss Information's work schedule was all messed up this week. She had to work the early shift way too much. This means she's missed out on her very important lying-in-bed-with-the-cat-wishing-it-weren't-morning time which she does on her late days. So, she's out of sorts and cranky to begin with.

Miss Information's birthday is coming up. She hates her birthday. Not so much the getting older bit (which, as Woody Allen says, is better than the alternative), but the people-making-a-big-fuss-over-her nonsense. After all she hasn't done anything but not die and that hardly seems enough reason for a party.

Anyway, she usually takes her birthday off work. Once she didn't and her co-workers threw her a big cringe-inducing surprise party. It was incredibly thoughtful and sweet and Miss Information never ever wants this to happen again. Besides, one of her friends made plans for the evening and asked Miss Information to request the day off. She did. No one ever got back to her about it. Yesterday she went to check the schedule. No day off. What's more, somebody else in her department had gotten the day off, leaving the reference desk understaffed--all indicating that Miss Information's day off was, well, off.

Then she got very mad. Not because of the non-existant day off, but because no one had told her that her request had been denied. She was so angry, she forgot her rule about being angry at work--repress rage, survive until shift ends, drive home alternately crying and composing vicious e-mail that she will send the second she gets home letting the head of the library board know exactly what is going on in this stinking hellhole, arrive home, stroke cat, drink tea, get over anger, never send e-mail. It's a system that works and what's more, has saved her career on a number of occasions. Well, yesterday she forgot that repressing rage part. She went on a hunt for the person who was responsible. She found this person in the staff room--along with the co-worker who did get the day off. Miss Information was calm and reasonable. She did not yell. She pointed out that it didn't matter that her request was denied. Honestly, nothing in her life works out, why would that? But it really, seriously irritated her that no one had thought to tell her officially. Ok, so maybe her voice was a tiny bit raised and a wee bit higher pitched than usual. After all, she was in a bad mood to begin with, how much can one woman take?

So everyone present, and that would include the guy in charge who walked in while she was venting, now thinks Miss Information is dangerously high strung and unbalanced--which may be true, in fact, but she has quite nicely suppressed this up to now. There was a lot of "there, there-ing" and figurative head patting. The other co-worker offered to give her day off to Miss Information, who didn't want that, exactly--she isn't interested in destroying anyone else's life, after all. And everyone went about trying to make things work out so Miss Information could have the day off--which wasn't the point she was trying to make.

One good thing may come out of this--now that everyone is terrified of her alarming mood swings, Miss Information is pretty sure her vacation will be approved.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Miss Information is annoyed with a dyslexic

Actually, she may just have been a bad speller.

Sometimes Miss Information will go for a couple of days/weeks at work without anything major going wrong. Oh, sure there are little things, but they're spaced far enough apart to not get on her nerves. She starts to really like her job. She somehow finds endless reserves of patience to deal with the questions. And then all of a sudden, the earth shifts and all the crazies show up on the same day.

Recently a customer Miss Information likes to call Penis Guy started calling. He phones every day or so to see if the library has any new books on "male body parts". This creeps Miss Information out. Does this guy want sex manuals? Should she refer him to a medical clinic? Or is he just interested in seeing naughty pictures, (in which case there are some Robert Mapplethorpe books she could recommend)? She knows she should be above it all, but there are some Reference Interviews she just can't face.

At any rate, Penis Guy was the least of her problems today. There was a very stupid woman doing a job search. It was all Miss Information could do to stop saying something like "I think I know why you're unemployed". Oh, and her old friend "Chinese Sexual Body Language Woman" stopped by with another bizarre and vaguely stated request.

Oh, right, back to the dyslexic...a woman angrily approached the desk. She couldn't get her e-mail to work and it was probably the stupid library computer system. Well, yeah, Miss Information acknowledged that that was indeed possible and accompanied the woman back to her terminal. She asked the woman to show her what she had done and the woman clicked on the address bar and typed:

Miss Information pointed out that the woman had made a spelling error. The woman tried again: www.YHA... Miss Information stopped her in mid-word and pointed out the correct spelling of "yahoo". The woman backspaced and typed again www.YH...Miss Information made the woman start again, this time spelling the word as the woman typed. She typed At this point, Miss Information grabbed the keyboard out of the woman's hand and typed the address correctly. She refrained from then strangling the woman with the mouse cord. Honestly, if you can't spell the name of your e-mail provider, you don't deserve the Internet.

There have been so many strange customers over the past couple of days that Miss Information has concluded that the recent mild weather has allowed them to become unstuck from whatever metal surfaces their tongues have been frozen to. Much as she hates the cold weather, she is starting to wish for a cold snap.

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Miss Information mixes business with pleasure

So, it's the holidays and Miss Information is enjoying some leisure time with her family, specifically her 4-and-a-half year old niece. Miss Information suspects that this adorable little creature has a scary personal agenda and was therefore not surprised when the wee girlie lifted her tiny head after dinner one night and asked what was the best way to set a car on fire.

Miss Information loves dispensing information, that's why she works at the Reference Desk. And while at the Reference Desk she does her best not to wonder why that nice middle aged lady wants books on satanic cults and Chinese sexual body language. She just finds out the information (or tries, at least). Still, she puzzled briefly over what answer to give her niece. In the end she opted for a lit match in the gas tank.

Then she went and hid her own car in a nearby wooded area.