Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Miss Information life goes off track

Miss Information is a little off these days. It’s nothing she can actually put her finger on but it sort of feels like the rest of the world is on the up escalator and she’s going down. Everything is just slightly wrong somehow.

The following events have taken place:

The Shoe Incident
This is the condensed version. In short, Miss Information put on a pair of mismatched shoes but noticed before leaving the house, went back to her shoe closet and pulled out yet another mismatched pair which she then wore for hours without realizing that although they were the same basic style they didn’t look even remotely similar.

The Toast Incident
Miss Information put leftover spaghetti sauce on her flu-stricken mother’s toast. Well, it was in a marmalade jar. No, it didn’t look like marmalade, but it said it was marmalade.

The New Manager Incident
The branch has a new temporary manager who seems very nice. She did appear somewhat well, horrified, frankly, when she came upon Miss Information shouting at her computer. As if she’s never said, “I hate you, now die you monstrous infidel!” to an inanimate object.
For those of you keeping score at home, Miss Information has now appeared goofy, sarcastic, unbalanced and downright dangerous in each of her encounters with the new manager—who will someday return to her permanent job in another part of the city and ruin Miss Information’s career by telling everyone how weird she is.
Not that this is inaccurate…

The Shampoo Incident
Miss Information discovered last night that she has been washing her hair for the past several weeks with anti-bacterial shower gel. It was a gift and she swears the gifter said, “look I got you shampoo!” so Miss Information didn’t actually look at the bottle, she just took it home and dumped the contents on her head. Repeatedly. What an idiot.
Well, she’s consoling herself that soap is soap, but she wonders whether this could be responsible for the recent string of bad hair days she’s had. On the other hand, she is delighted that her hair is now gloriously bacteria-free. Hurrah!

(She would like to point out the charming contrast between this and the aforementioned Toast Incident when reading [and trusting] the label caused her some difficulty.)

The Typing Problem
Miss Information has recently lost the ability to a) spell and b) type. So even if her fingers are working, she’s spelling things wrong and even words she knows how to spell are coming out with tildes and asterisks in the middle of them.

At any rate, Miss Information is hoping this is just a temporary rift in the fabric of the universe and that everything will eventually make sense again. Until then she’s looking very carefully before she crosses any busy streets.

What Miss Information Thought about in Corpse Pose
This week in corpse pose, Miss Information concentrated on nirvana, specifically she tried to recall which Nirvana song she had heard earlier that day. It was “In Bloom” but she didn’t remember that until hours later, so she amused herself by singing “Come as You Are” in her head. She doesn’t think this behavior is contrary to any Yogic teaching. After all, Miss Information swears that she doesn’t have a gun.


At 5:03 PM, Blogger Miss Information said...

Miss Information realizes there should be an apostrophe "s" in the subject heading. She was going to fix it, but she figures that leaving it as is illustrates her point.

Also, she has misplaced her weekly supply of salad greens. No doubt she will stumble across a baggie full of mush that was carefully stored in a vertical file cabinet later this month.

At 3:56 PM, Blogger Cat. said...

Oh, dear, Miss I. You are one hurting soul. Maybe if you went out to the parking lot and slashed some tires you'd recover your equilibrium.

I keep you in my thoughts for a better tomorrow.

At 5:51 PM, Blogger Daniel H said...

I'm afraid I have a few brief comments for you:

re: The Shoe Incident: Rent the movie "Tall blond man with one black shoe" (preferably in french, but the Tom Hanks version is good too.)

re: The Toast Incident: So? Spaghetti sauce is good on toast, and in some cases lower calorie.

re: The New Manager Incident: This to shall pass.

re: The Shampoo Incident: Soap IS Soap. If you always read these bottles carefully, you'll find it's often still impossible to figure out which one is the conditioner.

re: The Typing Problem: Well you seem to be very good at applying corrections. So?

re: ... just a temporary rift ...: Not a chance.

good cheer!
- The precision blogger

At 9:26 PM, Blogger Timothy Birdnow said...

Cheer up, miss information; it`s all downhill from here! You have lots more to be gloomy about tomorrow, why waste it all now!


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