Miss Information uncovers an evil conspiracyMiss Information really hates winter. She is still angry with her grandparents for moving to this godforsaken country. Like it would have been so much more difficult to stay on the boat a little longer and settle in Bermuda? Or commit crimes that would have had them deported to Australia? Stupid law abiding ancestors.
Anyway, she does try to make the best of this stupid season. She molds her staticy hair into fun shapes for the amusement of others. She re-organizes her many layers of clothing each day, so it doesn’t look like she’s wearing the same 5 sweaters. And she tries, oh lord how she tries, to maintain the glorious suppleness of her lips.
This is the evil conspiracy part. Each winter Miss Information purchases many tubes, containers, and pots of lip balm. Here’s the scary thing. In all her years living in this unforgiving climate she has never (NEVER) gotten to the bottom of one of them. She has never (NEVER) thrown one out. And yet, each year when she looks for the thousand containers of lip balm she purchased last winter she is unable to locate even one.
So, here’s what she thinks: every container of lip balm is embedded with a microchip that causes the entire thing to self-destruct a couple of weeks after you purchase it. It then disintegrates and becomes that unrecognizable gray lint stuff at the bottom of your handbag.
Obviously evil cosmetics company agents will attempt to silence Miss Information. She just hopes they torture her someplace warm.