Monday, May 31, 2010

Miss Information has a terrifying glimpse of the future

Miss Information is now librarianized with the papers to prove it although she’s still toiling away in what the library world so generously describes as a “subprofessional” capacity. Last week she began to wonder why she upgraded at all. Subprofessional has its benefits—mainly that one does not have to waste time dealing with idiot complaints.

On Friday one of the actual librarians had to deal with the woman who was angry that the gardener wasn’t watering the plants properly. Another woman complained bitterly that the man who checked out her books didn’t smile. A third woman complained that the first woman had pushed her.

Fortunately in her subprofessional role, Miss Information didn’t have to solve any of these earth-shakingly important problems. Some days she wishes she had studied to be a kindergarten teacher instead of a librarian.

Monday, May 17, 2010

A prudish patron annoys Miss Information

The woman was outraged! Someone should be thinking of the children! The library was distributing filth to the young 'uns in the form of a free newspaper and the woman wanted Miss Information to do something about it. Miss Information timidly asked the woman to describe her concerns.

The woman pointed at the contents page. That article right there! Nothing but depravity! Horrifying! Bad for the children!

Miss Information sighed. The article the woman was worried about was called "What's Happening with the New Pornographers". She carefully explained that the New Pornographers were a critically acclaimed band. The article wasn't depraved at all. In fact, the newspaper was a local music publication and not objectionable at all. Miss Information wanted to point out that the free newspaper shelved right next to this one contains advertising from actual prostitutes displaying their attributes in full colour photos but she was afraid that the woman's head would explode if she so much as glanced at that one.

Miss Information also neglected to mention that in a couple of weeks the library is hosting a Fucked Up concert. Ok. That didn't sound right, but you know what she means. Speaking of the Fucked Up concert, it troubles Miss Information that the library chooses to promote it as the F**ked Up concert. For a place that promotes freedom of expression, this just seems terribly wimpy. Also, why is it less objectionable to leave the "uc" out? Surely most people just put the "uc" back themselves. Obviously the name of the band is not "forked up". Why do the stars make it ok?

Saturday, May 08, 2010

Miss Information has a close encounter with the law

The man with the Irish accent was angry. He had returned a CD yesterday and it was still on his record. This happens all the time.

"This happens all the time." Miss Information told the man who was gradually turning purple. "Don't worry. We'll take care of it." She went on to blame the useless computers and explain the "claims returned" process.

The man, who was now on the verge of stroking out, was not going for it. It was clear that the library was stealing in his name and he wasn't going to put up with it. He wanted Miss Information to provide him with the name of the thief who had been working at the returns counter yesterday.

Miss Information pointed out first that she wasn't giving out anyone's name. Second, she wanted the man to know that if library staff wanted to steal library materials it would be a whole lot less annoying to check it off the customer record first.

The man got all huffy and told her that if she wouldn't name the evil thief, he would march over to the police station and report the library! Miss Information was clearly conspiring to commit theft and that's a crime! He was coming right back with the police. How did she like that?

Oh. Un-huh. Miss Information replied that she was not willing to name names. Conspirators have to stick together after all. The man, true to his word, marched off to the police station. It seemed however, that the police were busy with other major conspiracies and didn't have the manpower for this one so the man came back alone. Miss Information made herself very busy and let the circulation supervisor deal with it. Subsequently the CD was located on its way back to its owning branch. As Miss Information predicted it was a computer error not the Profumo affair for heaven's sake.

Also, Miss Information wants all the angry people to know that they need to think a bit about wardrobe. This particular angry man was wearing a denim jacket with a Woody Woodpecker decal. It made it awfully hard to take him seriously.