Thursday, May 31, 2007

Miss Information is annoyed by the other yoga students

This is what happens. Miss Information arrives early for her yoga class. She used to arrive on time, but then there were a couple of weeks when the comely yoga instructor, Yoga Boy started the class early. Time means nothing to him. Mellow bastard.

So, even though Miss Information was technically on time, she was actually late. She hates being late and she vowed to show up early from then on. Obviously, Yoga Boy has never started the class early again. Unpredictable bastard.

Well, that's ok. Miss Information always has a book. She puts her mat down in a good spot and begins to read. Then week after annoying week somebody enters the room and turns out all the lights. Miss Information is not complaining about the darkness. For some reason, yoga only works in the pitch dark. She does think that the person turning out the lights might say something first. The Gettysburg address is unnecessary. Just a quick "I'm turning the lights out" would be sufficient. Or even, to actually speak to Miss Information, who is in full view reading her book about four feet away from the light switch.

But no. It's just too much to ask from you light-turning-off bastards, isn't it? Miss Information hates you. She wants you to suffer. She wishes a plague on all your houses. She hopes that your children marry inappropriate people. She hopes your dog pees on your furniture while you're out. She hopes that you are stuck in the express lane of the supermarket behind people with more than 12 items. She really really really hates you.

Sadly Miss Information realizes that she is no more serene than she was before she started doing yoga.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Miss Information tries to be nice but finds it annoying

Miss Information agreed to type the old guy patron’s medical letter. Note to non-library staff—this is not a service the library generally provides. Miss Information, completely out of character, was being nice. So don’t go running to your local library and ask the staff to type your personal letters because not only will they refuse to do it, but they will also complain bitterly about you in the staff room for days afterwards.

But it was a short letter and Miss Information, completely out of character, was being nice. It seems the old guy had foot problems and needed his doctor to sign a letter so the old guy could get treatment paid for by the Veterans’ Administration. For some reason the old guy’s doctor didn’t have an office clerk and that is why Miss Information got to type the letter.

The letter was short—“Mr X. needs foot treatment. Please pay for it.” Miss Information showed the guy the print preview of his letter. Did he want any changes? She could change the font size and make the letters bigger.

Yes, said the old guy. He needed the letters bigger because his doctor is Chinese.

Perhaps his feet aren’t his only problem.

Saturday, May 19, 2007

Miss Information is annoyed by cell phones. Still.

Miss Information’s grandfather always told her that you can’t legislate civility. Well, she wants to try anyway. The library where she works is very friendly and wants everyone to be happy. Therefore the enforceable rules are few and far between. Instead of rules there are suggestions. The library encourages you to not get into fist fights with other patrons. The library recommends that you not eat near the computers. The library thinks it would be nice if you turned your cell phones off while you were in the library, but whatever.

There is one regular customer whose ringtone is pushing Miss Information to the brink of violence. The library does have fairly strict rules for employee ethics and going all Terminator on a patron’s ass is expressly forbidden. She’s been fighting these urges all week but is losing patience quickly.

So, Guy With The Cell Phone That Has The Stupid Rooster Crowing Ringtone please set your phone to vibrate when you’re in the library. Also, you get too many damn phone calls! You're making the library sound like a barnyard at dawn! Can’t some of those people call you at home, leave a message maybe? You could call them back later, you know, when you aren’t in the library?

Miss Information doesn’t want to spend the rest of her life in prison breaking rocks next to Paris Hilton and she is very close to beating you senseless with the industrial sized hole punch.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Miss Information gets some perspective

Miss Information had a sudden revelation in the gym. An A- is pretty damn good! Especially when you consider that:
1. She had been away from academia for quite some time.
2. Her prior academic career was, how can it be put politely? Spectacularly incompetent.
And most importantly:
3. She understood almost nothing the professor said. Really. Four hours a week and all she had learned by the end of the semester was that he was German and considered himself a post-modernist.

So all in all, it's not so damn bad. And funny.

Miss Information is meaner than usual

Miss Information is irritated today because she got her marks back from her history professor. It's not bad. Probably an A-. Still, she wanted to do better. Actually she wanted to be plucked from academic obscurity and made university chancellor but her hopes have been dashed.

In order to cope with this disappointment she spends the afternoon snarling at people. She takes most of her angst out on Fairy Believing Guy--a middle aged man who, well, really believes in fairies.

FBG wants to know why he can't get the Internet to start.

The library has two types of computers--the ones you log in with your library card and the ones where you press the big "start" button. Miss Information asked FBG to show her what he did. He went to a computer with the big "start" button. He asked what he should do.

Well, duh. The only thing on the screen is the big "start" button. How could this possibly be confusing?

After getting the computer started Fairy Believing Guy wanted to know why there was no big "start" button on the first computer he had tried. It is because the first computer wanted him to input his barcode number. He hadn't. He whimpers. How was he supposed to know? Well, dumbass, maybe if you looked at the screen? You know, actually tried to read the information that's there instead of just pressing keys randomly?

Stupid Fairy Believing Guy.

Also seen in the library today:
Wolf Woman
Paranoid Guy
Dog Show Guy
Really Smelly Guy
Woman with Badly Behaved Children
Crying Baby1
Crying Baby2
Group of Toddlers with Bells (why do they let them have bells?)

Miss Information is in no mood for this.

Saturday, May 05, 2007

At 4:10 on Saturday

Young high school student approaches the desk says:

You know the first five babies ever born? You got them?

Miss Information finds her books on the Dionne Quintuplets and wonders why Saturdays are so damn irritating.

Miss Information is annoyed by infidelity

Miss Information has been thinking about evolution alot lately. She has been working very hard on her pet project of growing a third arm. See, originally she wanted a third arm so she could mouse and keyboard at the same time, but right this second she realized that it would also be a great help when one is blogging and eating yogurt simultaneously.

So far, there has been no progress made.

Miss Information was just about to give up on her quest, abandon science and become a flat earth believing, global warming denying, non Darwinist Republican when she got good news.

Apparently people are evolving. The woman on the phone wanted books about recovering from infidelity and reconciling with your cheating spouse. She had a few titles in mind and Miss Information suggested some, as well. The woman, however was not interested in the Getting over Your Spouse's Affair by Tossing the Lying Bastard into the Gutter books that Miss Information was steering her toward.

As the conversation progressed, the woman told Miss Information that she was feeling pretty good about the whole forgiveness thing. Apparently it used to take 4 or 5 years to get over an affair, but now people are so much more advanced it only takes 6 months to a year! This is good news. Proof the species is actually evolving is just what Miss Information needed. She wished the woman luck and, with a renewed sense of purpose, started working on her project again.

That third arm should sprout any day now.

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Miss Information is annoyed by a library

A different library. Miss Information was having a pretty good relationship with the university library. She had used the catalogue, gone to the shelf, located books and signed them out. Obviously this is not something worthy of the Nobel Prize, but it’s something she never managed to do when she was enrolled the first time. Not even once.

And then she tried to return the books. She was kind of in the neighbourhood on Sunday night. It wasn’t late, so the university library would surely be open, yes? As she approached the building she could see the lights were on. She parked. Walked up the stairs to the main entrance. She tried the door. It was locked. She tried the other door. It was locked. Strange. She could see people inside the building. She walked all the way around the building to yet another door. Locked. She gave up and went home.

Curious, she looked at the university website. In fact, the library is always open—24/7 access. Obviously, there’s a catch--the only door that is open after hours is the street level door. Miss Information had no idea there even was a street level door. All this time she’s been climbing up a flight of stairs, entering through the main doors, taking the escalator down to the street level floor, returning her books, taking the escalator up one flight, exiting through the main doors, and walking down a flight of stairs to the street. She never even noticed there was a street level door. What an idiot.

Why she hasn't gotten into graduate school is less of a mystery now.