Miss Information is annoyed by the dullness of it all
It is the day of the week Miss Information dreads. It is the day the employee newsletter arrives. Issue after issue it proves conclusively that Miss Information and her co-workers are unquestionably the least interesting people on the planet.
Each newsletter is filled with the thrilling tales of employees heroically --ummmm, well, er, doing their jobs. For example the Shiny Happy Branch put together an actual book display. Ooooooooooh. Ahhhhhhhh. How cutting edge is that? Miss Information pinches herself--yes, she is awake--and weeps quietly.
Employees have been featured doing such daring activities as calling 9-1-1 when customers collapse in the library. One issue highlighted a staff member who unplugged a kettle because it was starting to smoulder. Miss Information admires these brave souls. Without them to use as examples she would be completely lost. She knows that if she
ever encountered a flaming appliance she'd probably just stand around complaining about the tea tasting smokier than usual. And as for customers collapsing, well, that's loitering, buddy. Strictly against library rules and that calls for an explusion letter which Miss Information will now staple to your chest.
Sigh. She knows that although the library world is pretty boring, her co-workers cannot possibly be as dull as this. She waits hopefully for the next update.
It was a dark and stormy night
Not really, although Miss Information's mood was dark and stormy...
It was a typical Friday evening at the Reference Desk. Miss Information was busy trying to train/orient/crush the spirit of a new librarian. Somebody has to.
Meanwhile reference questions were becoming strange. A woman with no discernable accent quite clearly asked for books on cocaine desserts. Miss Information took her to the cooking section and hoped for the best. Another tragic patron (or "hostile", as Miss Information now thinks of them) wanted to know where the books with pictures of federal and municipal laws were kept. (Miss Information offered to whip up an oil painting of the dog licensing bylaw, but the customer wasn’t interested.) Someone pissed in the elevator. The librarian in charge responded by dousing the elevator with the even-worse-smelling air freshener the library provides for such occasions.
All the while, Miss Information was trying to input employee hours into the timesheet. In addition to the new librarian mentioned above, there were 3 new people to add to the spreadsheet. Miss Information needed their full names so as to put them in correct alphabetical order. She does love her alphabetizing. It turned out that not one person working that evening knew anything about these people. What’s more, it further transpired that there was no written record of these staff members. If Miss Information hadn’t met them, she would have no proof they even existed. Run for your lives, new people! You still have a chance to get away!
Miss Information can't think of a clever title
A high school student approached the reference desk. She was looking for Madonna cds. Miss Information didn't expect there would be anything but she was bored so she looked in the catalogue. Amazingly enough, the catalogue indicated a copy of "Music" was in the library. Joyously she led the patron to the CD shelving.
"It would be under 'L', right?" asked the student.
'L'? Where did she come up with 'L'?
At any rate the cd was not found in either the 'L' or the 'M' section, although Miss Information was laughing so hard at that point she couldn't see straight.
What Miss Information thought about in Corpse Pose
Last night in corpse pose, Miss Information was on the verge of total and complete relaxation when she was distracted by a clicking sound. Damn. It turned out to be Yoga Boy pacing around a couple of feet behind her. He had a bandage on his foot that was causing the clicking noise. She tried to relax again but was now totally aware of Yoga Boy and his location in proximity to her stuff. "Hey, Yoga Boy! Get away from Miss Information's knapsack!"
She had the sudden thought that perhaps this whole yoga thing is a total scam constructed by master criminals who tell you to lie down with your eyes closed and then surreptiously rifle through your belongings and steal anything that appeals to them while you're experiencing blissful relaxation.
Yep. Watch out Yoga Boy. Miss Information is on to you.
Miss Information is annoyed by teenagers
Miss Information is usually slightly...well... cranky. Today, however, she is in a spectacularly bad mood--stomping bunnies, torching orphanages, evicting little old ladies from their apartments bad.
So of course today is the day the high school across the street decides the little hoodlums and maniacs have learned enough and opens the cage doors at noon. And don't all those precious darlings head directly for the library. It's a nice warm day where else would they go? A park?The mall? God forbid, home?
Miss Information admits that she was a total loser in high school, but even she did not go to the library when she got out of school early. No, she and her loser friends would sit on the hill behind the high school and talk about their pathetic loser selves. Wasn't high school fun? Sure would love to go back...
At any rate, these students came to the library in droves to engage in fun activities--talking loudly in the quiet areas, running in stacks, pushing each other around, yelling in the stairs (hey, man cool echo), pressing the elevator alarm button, having water fights in the washroom and generally making Miss Information's life miserable.
Obviously these activites were completely exhausting because whenever Miss Information asked a group to move along to the exit, they were only able to take a couple of the tiniest steps and then--rest for a while, consult with friends, shout at people across the building (too tired to get closer), wait for a sign from god...whatever. Eventually they did leave the building but not before other customers died of old age waiting for Miss Information to come back to the Reference Desk and help them.
Miss Information is pretty sure she's going vandalize any works of art she comes across on her way home. It's just been that kind of day.
Miss Information curses Steve Jobs & his stupid iPods.
Boy, there sure are a lot of crazy people around here, says the crazy woman.
Yeah, but none of them
are singing, replies Miss Information.
Miss Information wonders why we can't just get along
Some members of Miss Information's yoga class have declared war on the poor, helpless kickboxers who use the room next door. It is quickly becoming an ugly situation with yoga students taking turns yelling at the poor kickbox instructor. It's only a matter of time before somebody lobs a tear gas cannister into their room.
And the propaganda machine is chugging away with one yoga woman confidently announcing that the "kickboxers hate us because we're peace-loving hippies". Miss Information is relatively certain that the kickboxers didn't think twice about the yoga people until we started interrupting their class to scream at them and if they hate us now, it probably has nothing to do with our "peace-loving hippie" characteristics.
Not to be confrontational, but Miss Information would like to point out that the words "peace-loving" rarely apply to irrational screaming people, although she no longer wonders why they're looking for stress relief.
It all started because the kickboxing music was too loud and deemed inappropriate for relaxation. Miss Information isn't going to say this out loud, but their music reflects her personal taste more closely than the new age-y, wind-chime-y, synth crap that they play at yoga class. (Seriously, why? Is there scientific evidence that listening to hideous music speeds up the search for enlightenment?)
She now lives in fear that she will be identified as a kickbox-sympathizer and stabbed in the back while she's in plough pose. She may have to go do some screaming herself in order to keep favour with the dominant group.
What Miss Information Thought About in Corpse Pose
Well, obviously since she's never closing her eyes around these people again, genuine corpse pose is out of the question. Anyway, as she was lying there quivering in terror she realized that she was the most calm, serene person in the room. It was a new experience for her.